My whole world view changed. There was no way to erase the sadness and emptiness I felt. I had to find a way to live with it. My life had been turned upside. I had been pretty happy, relaxed and carefree, believing that things always worked out. This idea no longer felt true. I started wondering what else would go wrong. I was much more pessimistic. I rarely laughed. It was hard to see the good things. My world was dark. For months, I couldn’t look at another baby without crying. I was happy for other parents, yet I couldn’t handle being reminded of what I had lost. The pain I felt, both physically and emotionally was intense. I wasn’t sure it would ever go away.

One of my biggest fears was that Sabrina would be forgotten. Because she had not lived outside of my body, I was really the only one who knew her. I wanted to talk about her. I wanted to share my labor story, yet talking about it made others uncomfortable. I had loved Sabrina from the moment I found out I was pregnant. She had touched my heart in a big way. I didn’t want her precious little life to have no meaning. I didn’t want her to be forgotten.

Some days I just wanted to stay in bed. There were times I wondered if I would ever stop crying. I wondered if I would ever laugh again. I went for counselling. I went to a support group. I met with other moms who had lost their babies. I read every book I could find to give me ideas on how to cope with the intense grief, the anger, and the guilt I felt.

I took it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. I learned to be gentle with myself. I learned that I needed to grieve my way. I couldn’t compare myself to others. I learned how strong I was.

Losing Sabrina was the most difficult thing I have experienced, yet, I now realize what a gift it was to have Sabrina for ever the short time she was with me. Sabrina truly was and is still a gift to me. Her death taught me more about life than anything else. By sharing the gifts that Sabrina gave me, I am hopeful that her heart will touch you and make a difference in your life.

Several years after Sabrina died, a friend showed me how to connect with her spirit. I was skeptical at first, yet connecting with her spirit has brought me so much peace.

If you are ready to connect with your baby or child who has died, click below to access your digital download. By using this meditation to connect with your baby or child my hope is that you will find happiness again so that you can honour your child by living a life filled with joy, passion, and love.